Thursday, April 28, 2011
Can you still remember them?
I still can.
I always thought friendster is the be all and end all of social network. Then came facebook and it proved me wrong. I was one among the many guilty people who tried creating an account in facebook, hated it at first, logged again, played the games - until one day I just switched to facebook and never looked back.
It all seemed history until I read the news from yahoo that friendster will be doing a major website reformat and it may delete old photos and files. The news tugged a little nostalgia in me. I suddenly recalled how I used to spend hours giving face-lift to my page. From skin color to text fonts, to whose celebrity face will grace on my page, to what will I say on "about me".
There was no wall where you can vent yet. There was no friend suggestions. No notification whatsoever but I can manage to connect with my friends, peek at their profile , see the photos, find out who commented - very much like today. Except that facebook made it a lot easier. And convenient.
As you know, convenience always have the edge.
I took the time to revisit friendster after a long time. I must say, I miss the old friendster. It's pretty much like facebook now where you can see updates from your friends and you can post shoutouts. Then I made a round down testimonials. I read each one them barely noticing that those were written 4-5 years ago by my friends. Some I couldn't figure who because of their aliases. Some I lost contact with. Old friends. Old colleagues. Old times. I couldn't help but smile.
When I was done reading the testimonials, I realized they all said one thing about me : BITCHY hahahaha! Yeah I could be mean at times but I don't bitch other people just for the heck of it. I just have a strong personality. Agree or not but that's it! :)
I browsed at my old photos too. They are silent witnesses of how much I changed over the years. Errrr... make it : how much I gained (in lbs) over the years. Hahaha!
I don't know if this is some kind of publicity fair on friendster's part just to create a hype and bring their old "followers" back to their website. Whatever it is, I can't deny the fact that this social network became part of my teens. I have so many memories imprinted on each one of the photos, on every single word of my friends' testimonials. There's so much of me in there...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Last year I wrote a blog post which remained in the draft. Never published. No one has ever read. But I mentioned about it in one of my post and even told my blog friends that I'm gonna post it when courage finds me. Well, I think the time has come to let it out and make the world know that it's definitely over and done.
Here it is :
EXes BaggageI don't talk much about my love life. I just don't. I'm not comfortable discussing it with other people. Even to my closest friends. Whenever the subject of ex-boyfriends come to life, I would try my very best to avoid and adamantly refuse to talk about it. I'd become pissed off at the mere mention of their names.
I have what they call an "EXes baggage".
An "EXes baggage" is (by my definition) a chip on the shoulder, a nightmare in your sleep. It's something you want to leave behind but you just can't, and you unwillingly carry it with you as you go. Exes baggage isn't all about hatred, resentment or grudge. It's half filled with regret and disappointment. It's a mixed emotion of "should have", "would have", "could have". I should have done this... it would have been like that... we could have been... It's a remorseful feeling.
I didn't have a clean break-up with my exes. It always starts with a fight, exchange of harsh text messages, pointing fingers at one another, then ends up acting like total strangers.
The last one was an exception...
He went cold. We hardly see each other. He can't seem to find a way to spend time and talk with me. Even his texts have gone sour.
After a couple of weeks of no word from him, he finally called - at my office! Imagine my surprise. I never expected he'd call me at work coz he never did it once. So we talked on the phone. I thought he's gonna be sorry for his absence. I thought he'll make amends. But I was wrong.
HE BROKE UP WITH ME. Man, I never thought I would ever have the courage to say this but yes, he called it quits.
To be jilted was never easy... especially for a girl. It was like my self-worth was crushed and stomped a million times. He didn't realize how painful it was for me. It was hundred times more painful than being cheated. And it was so unfair! Because he didn't give us a chance to work on our differences or whatever problems we had. He didn't think about me. Of what I'm gonna feel or how will I take it. He simply did not care... at all!
It seemed to me that he planned it all along. So cunningly of him to break up with me over the phone, at the office, so I would never have a chance to say or do anything stupid. So scheming. That's how it seems to me. Would I cry telling him to compromise, beg him to stay, ask him to give our relationship another try while my co-workers are eavesdropping? Or would I rather keep silent? I'm the type of person who doesn't want to draw attention. Exposing my wrecked love life to anyone around is certainly not one of my greatest idea. So when he said that famous break-up line "It's not you, it's me", I just took my defeat.
After our conversation I rushed to the ladies room and relieved myself from the sorrow waiting to outburst, of the looming tears and occasional sobs that wouldn't wane. I was deeply hurt. And the hardest part? I have to go back to work and pretend and act like everything is alright. That it was like any normal, ordinary, usual day. And when my friends asked about him, it would take all of my strength and self-control not to bawl while telling them what happened.
It's been 3 years, 3 months, 10 days since then. Yet it would still haunt me like it was yesterday. 3 years, 3 months, 10 days of my non-existent, dehydrated, humdrum life. I had suitors after that and God knows how much I tried to like every single one of them. I practically pulled myself to go on dates. I tried to forget and move on with the rest of the world. But I just couldn't bring myself to fall in love.
It was weird coz a few days after I wrote that, he emailed me. Out of nowhere. MIA for three years and he just emailed me catching up like nothing ever happened between us. Guys are really dickheads. Maybe not all of them but 99% of them.
Now, you might ask where did this emotional outburst come from. I learned that he just got married. When I found out, I wasn't hurt. I can't say that I'm happy for him but I wish him well. Maybe this is the closure that I've been waiting for. This time I can really say to myself that I'm over him and I'm done with this EXes baggage.
And in that case... Hello world!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
A summer wouldn't be complete without a summer outing. That's according to...ME! Anyway, thanks to my boss for sponsoring. Errr wait. I'm not sure if it was the company who did but thank you still coz I was able to go to Talima Adventure and Water Park in Olanggo Island for FREEEEE! ( Yeeaaahhh that's the most amazing part!)
Just a 15-minute boat ride from the mainland, we feast our eyes on blue waters and flatables that promised us fun and play. So play we did and fun we had. I nearly injured my foot on the trampoline. What with the poor sense of balance I have? I did not mind trying the water slide and the orbit-shaped like flatable. Call me a killjoy but I really had a hard time moving around with a lifevest. I realized I exerted 5 times more effort just swimming around and trying to stay afloat most of the time. I guess I should be serious in taking a swimming lesson.
photo courtesy of the web...
Actually I was a little disappointed when they told me that the spintacular (the zorb thing) is out of order. So the big beach ball has been busted for months and they didn't replace it? Come on! I also thought that the zip 'n splash (you do the zipline and I assume you'd fall into the water) is kinda exciting and I was eager to try it. But when I saw how short the distance is between the two points? Ahhhh.. I'll make a pass. It doesn't seem so tempting at all. The ATV (all terrain vehicle) was pure adventure. The guys' driving skill on a very rough road was put to a test. Except that one of them bumped off all the sticks which were placed on the road (those sticks were placed as markers). Ooopppss! Sorry.
After we took our lunch we head straight to another island. Sulpa island this time. It was my fourth time to be there so I did not took any more photos.
sulpa island from afar...
It was low tide when we got there so we were not able to swim (as if I can). We were content watching small fishes swimming around the corals. It was a refreshing sight!
At the end of the day - I had fun. I was tired. And I have sunburn on my back. Perfect!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
To start off, I already did confession, at last after 6 long years. I could not forget the feeling when I did confession 6 years ago. I was really nervous. Huh! That goes to show how much of a sinner I am haha! Okay, I'm not making this a joke but it does get into my nerves when I'm spilling my sins to the priest. And last Friday was no exception. I had to muster enough courage to do it. But you know what? When I walked out of the room, I 've never felt so light and so happy. So happy that I did it.
But the downside was, that Friday night I went to have dinner with my colleagues. And who knows what happens after dinner? We had some Margaritas and sang our heart's out. Anyway that was clean fun. So I guess having multiple swigs of Margarita doesn't make you that much of a sinner, right? Right. I'm just human!
So when morning came my head was slightly throbbing and I knew why it was. Too bad for me.
Oh wait. I'm out of line. Isn't this post suppose to be my to-do list for the holy week?
So. Confession? Check.
Fasting? I haven't done this before. Maybe the only chance I could get closer to fast is because I'm too lazy to cook my own meal. But they say fasting isn't just about "not eating". It's about restraining yourself from doing the things you like doing. Like what? Like blogging? Facebooking? Texting? The whole nine yards? Uhhmm... can I negotiate? Blogging, maybe. But facebook? Ahhhhhhh!!!! Okay. Will try. After all it's sacrifice. What's 3 days without social network? waaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!
And because it's holy week - I must go to church. You know, exercise... Walk the faith. I won't just sit at home watching re-runs of my favorite TV show.
Most of all - PRAY. I missed a lot on that one. I'm not a prayerful person and it sure takes a lot of willpower to do it every night before going to bed and every waking day (which until now I'm a failure).
Lastly, I wanted to renew ties with a friend whom I haven't spoken to for 6 months. I don't hate her anymore. Or maybe I still do subconsciously... but I can't find it in my heart to talk to her. I don't know. Maybe I've reached saturation point whatever!
One thing I can give myself credit for is that I'm a good friend and I treat my friends well. But once I get hurt, I'm hurt and it won't be easy to mend it.
All in all I'm excited coz I'm going home and I get to rest for 4 days! Yeah baby yeah!
So if you won't read any post from me - that's because I'm serious about this!
Friday, April 8, 2011
It's been 2 months since my dog passed away and I kinda missed the feeling of having a canine friend. I grew up with dogs. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't have a pet. I usually have one and it's always a dog. (sorry. i'm not a cat lover)
When Piper died, I'm not sure if I'd like having a pet again. Call it mourning but yeah I guess I'm badly hurt that I didn't want to have another my-dog-died stint in my life. I've had many dogs in the past and everytime they say goodbye I would always cry a river (you have to be a dog lover to understand the feeling). The last one was the hardest coz I had her for 10 years.
Two weeks ago, a friend asked me if I'd like to have a puppy. I said, "of course". She said she'll give me one and jokingly said it will be her early wedding gift to me. Hahaha! Thanks but I want to kill her for having said that.
The pup is a mongrel. I usually go for mongrels coz they're not hard to take care. They are less maintenance, they can eat whatever, sleep wherever and most of all they are intelligent and protective making them a good house dog. Though I wanted to have an akita (like that of Hachiko's breed), or a retriever or a labrador but they're damn expensive and taking care of them could be costly (if they get sick) and it would entail me to spend more time with them coz they're very needy of their owners. (Except for akitas. they're independent. *trivia*) Well I don't have the luxury of time coz I'm working and I'm renting a place. There's no one to look out for them when I'm off to work and that's where mongrels become the best choice.
Now my dilemma is if I'm ready to have a puppy. Would I be able to take care of him properly? I don't want to send him home either. I want to bond, play and talk to him like I do before. I want to see a tail wagging when I get home. I miss getting those scratches in my arms whenever a dog jumps at me in mere happiness to see me.
Having a dog is like having a baby. Uhm I'm not sure if this is a good comparison but for me it is. You take good care of them, feed them, understand what their needs are - which can be a challenge since they don't talk. From my years of bonding with a dog, I can say I became good at telling what they think, what they feel and what they need. But still I'm not sure if having a pup right now is a good idea.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
That's what I'm feeling right now. I'm disappointed when someone doesn't seem to know I care about them. When they take me for granted. When they shove me aside.
I'm not a wall made of stone. My feelings are not numb. And I'm human. In case they forget... A little gratitude can go a long way. And by gratitude, I didn't mean you have to say "Thank you" coz I can tell if you're saying it just not to make me feel bad.
It's the credit. You don't recognize why would I do such a thing that's not even innate to me. And with that you fail. You absolutely failed. It goes to show you know nothing about me and you don't even care. And why would I care about you? You no longer deserve it. You just made it easier for me to see what kind of a person you are. You just made it clear where do I stand from your stance. And I just don't wanna take more of it. More of your games and pretensions.
Monday, April 4, 2011
I made a trip down to National Bookstore last Wednesday looking for some nice reads. I can't remember the last time I stepped into a bookstore. I got so busy and caught up in my little world that I temporarily ceased from book hunting. And last Wednesday , the supposed whiling away the time at the mall made me realize I need to catch up on my reading. I decided against James Patterson's books and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (which I've been planning to read since last year) coz I wanted some light (light as in I can finish reading in an hour) and easy (easy as in I don't have to contemplate who the real serial killer is and his motive) material.
Then I remembered reading a local magazine that featured a local author who was actually good in writing chick flick novels. I scoured the shelves and bingo! Found it.
It was not until last night when I remembered that novel. Still wrapped, complete with the receipt, sitting coldly on my table. I grabbed it, reclined on a cot and started leafing through the pages.
The story was simple. Nothing fancy about it. It was so simple that I could relate to everything the main character is going through. We had a lot of similarities and issues. If I didn't know anything better, I would have thought it was the story of my life (with a little modification of course!). I can so relate when it was revealed she's turning 30 in a few months and her bestfriend is constantly setting her up on dates, pressuring her to settle down.
I stopped right there. I stared between the words. God, this is me! I'm turning the big three-oh in a few months and a lot of people have been asking the harshest question no single lady would want to hear : when am I tying that friggin' knot?
As if to add insult to my already injured disposition, I meet up with an old friend a day before I bought that book. While catching up what's IN and what's NOT in our humdrum lives over dinner, she shoot that silliest question out of nowhere.
The golden question?
My friend : So it looks like you've been wandering a lot. When are you planning to get married?
Me : (staring blankly at her)
I was trying to process what she had just said. We haven't seen each other for 6 months. 6 months! And that's all she's gonna ask? I was in the middle of gnawing my food when she asked that marriage thing bluntly. IN.MY.FUCKING.FACE.
What? Is the church going to run away from me? Is there some sort of deadline for this?
I know I'm getting old but I'm not yet that OLD and I'm not acting that way.
To make the long story short I went on reading. The writer was indeed good in keeping up the pace. It was comic, lively and straight to the point. It was also revealed that Carla (the main character) is dating, or more like having a fling to someone younger than her. 5 years younger that is.
Alright. This isn't my biography of some sort is it? What the hell? Why the cradle snatching thing? Did I ever mention on this blog that I once had a boyfriend who was five years younger than I am? I didn't? oh well, now I am. Surprised? Wait 'til you hear this... (I'm ready to lose my followers after this) I dated 2 younger guys some 3 or 4 years back, and I had a non-serious relationship with a 25-year old.
I'm not writing this just to prove a point to the world that I'm a magnet to the younger generation. Coz even I, have a hard time figuring out what could possibly they saw in me. Maybe because I can be with myself, no pretense, not trying to prove anything and I can get by with the little expectations. Or perhaps I don't need another one to boss me around.
If I were to scale resemblance of that story with that of my personal account? I would give it a 9. The only notable difference is that Carla had her happy ending while I am unsure what will be mine.
Would I recommend this novel? Yes if you don't mind reading chick flicks and if you are :
-single . Check
-your friends are already married and they're pushing you to join the marriage club. Check
-dating/fling(ing) with younger guys. Check
-confused with what exactly you want in your life. I already had it figured after reading the book.
But I'm afraid it's only available in the Philippines. :(
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