Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Here I go again! (I thought I'm over this? or so I thought)

It was seven years ago when I decided to jumpstart my career in Cebu. Initially, I planned to stay for about 3-4 years, gain enough experience then go back to Butuan or try my luck abroad. I didn't know I would have so much emotional attachment in this place. Yes! Cebu has been my second home. And many times in my regular, everyday, humdrum life did I thought of finally settling down here. I found so many friends. Met interesting and promising individual. Opportunities come here and there. The active and always-on-the-go kind of lifestyle suits me. I never thought I'd miss home at one point. But I was wrong.

Last year, I have this funny feeling of wanting to go back home. I've thought of giving up everything I have started. I just want to be home. Start anew. Start fresh (Well, that would probably be the case since there are only a few well-paid jobs in Butuan, as much as I know.) When I went home for the holy week, that's when I knew I missed home terribly. I miss life's simplicity. The simple joys. The comfort of your own room. The peace of mind like no other. In Butuan, you can roam around the streets at midnight without having to fear that someone is stalking behind the dark waiting to lunge their sharp paws and teeth on you. I'm not talking about werewolves and vampires here. Let's leave that to Stephanie Meyer. Butuan is peaceful. Yeah sure there are petty crimes (which city doesn't have though?) But it's not like an everyday occurence that drives every not-so-sane people to think it's normal to kill and hurt each other.

Okay, going back to the main topic...

Sometimes I'd thought heading home is not so much of an ideal decision to make as I have to look into the viability and possibility of me getting the kind of job I want, the perks and the pay - of course! But I want to be with my family more often. I realized I had passed time on them. Even my dog is no longer comfortable with me. She (my dog, Pipper) will soon forget that I was once her master, hmp!

These and a lot more reasons began to cloud in my head. Lately, I became bored with my job. I'm burnt with it. Hellooooo???!! I've been doing this stuff for over 3 years, 3 months and 24 days to be exact! It's routinary, monotonously mind-numbing. I'm beginning to feel sick of it. Many times I had to feign interest and motivation just to prop myself up every waking day of my life. (How poetic!) My consternation in this employment also played a big part in this repugnance. My expectations were not met and the notion that I'm on my way to the dead-end tunnel starts to chill me. One time I posted a comment on my facebook account that drew a huge attention and reaction among friends and colleagues alike. I don't know if they were able to decipher the substance behind the line. But as far as I am concerned, that was exactly what I'm feeling at that moment.

Now I'm still pondering whether to stay or leave? Go or let go? If I'm leaving, then which road shall I take? The one where I used to trudge in? Or the one I'm starting to even out? I'm confused. Bewildered. Baffled. As the song goes, I'm at the crossroad. Every direction poses an opportunity. A decision which sooner or later needs to be acted upon. A direction that would alter the way things are today. Sooner or later I need to embark on a new journey. It's just a matter of when. When I'm braver. When I'm ready. When it's definitely time.



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