Over and done

I'm not really good at keeping promises. I said that I won't blog at the onset of Holy Week and yet here I am. There are just some things I want to unload. And since writing is therapeutic, I can't think of any other ways to relieve myself from the shock and surprise that got me pause for a while and mull.

Last year I wrote a blog post which remained in the draft. Never published. No one has ever read. But I mentioned about it in one of my post and even told my blog friends that I'm gonna post it when courage finds me. Well, I think the time has come to let it out and make the world know that it's definitely over and done.

Here it is :

******************************************************************************************

5/20/2010

EXes Baggage

I don't talk much about my love life. I just don't. I'm not comfortable discussing it with other people. Even to my closest friends. Whenever the subject of ex-boyfriends come to life, I would try my very best to avoid and adamantly refuse to talk about it. I'd become pissed off at the mere mention of their names.

I have what they call an "EXes baggage".

An "EXes baggage" is (by my definition) a chip on the shoulder, a nightmare in your sleep. It's something you want to leave behind but you just can't, and you unwillingly carry it with you as you go. Exes baggage isn't all about hatred, resentment or grudge. It's half filled with regret and disappointment. It's a mixed emotion of "should have", "would have", "could have". I should have done this... it would have been like that... we could have been... It's a remorseful feeling.

I didn't have a clean break-up with my exes. It always starts with a fight, exchange of harsh text messages, pointing fingers at one another, then ends up acting like total strangers.

The last one was an exception...

He went cold. We hardly see each other. He can't seem to find a way to spend time and talk with me. Even his texts have gone sour.

After a couple of weeks of no word from him, he finally called - at my office! Imagine my surprise. I never expected he'd call me at work coz he never did it once. So we talked on the phone. I thought he's gonna be sorry for his absence. I thought he'll make amends. But I was wrong.

HE BROKE UP WITH ME. Man, I never thought I would ever have the courage to say this but yes, he called it quits.

To be jilted was never easy... especially for a girl. It was like my self-worth was crushed and stomped a million times. He didn't realize how painful it was for me. It was hundred times more painful than being cheated. And it was so unfair! Because he didn't give us a chance to work on our differences or whatever problems we had. He didn't think about me. Of what I'm gonna feel or how will I take it. He simply did not care... at all!

It seemed to me that he planned it all along. So cunningly of him to break up with me over the phone, at the office, so I would never have a chance to say or do anything stupid. So scheming. That's how it seems to me. Would I cry telling him to compromise, beg him to stay, ask him to give our relationship another try while my co-workers are eavesdropping? Or would I rather keep silent? I'm the type of person who doesn't want to draw attention. Exposing my wrecked love life to anyone around is certainly not one of my greatest idea. So when he said that famous break-up line "It's not you, it's me", I just took my defeat.

After our conversation I rushed to the ladies room and relieved myself from the sorrow waiting to outburst, of the looming tears and occasional sobs that wouldn't wane. I was deeply hurt. And the hardest part? I have to go back to work and pretend and act like everything is alright. That it was like any normal, ordinary, usual day. And when my friends asked about him, it would take all of my strength and self-control not to bawl while telling them what happened.

It's been 3 years, 3 months, 10 days since then. Yet it would still haunt me like it was yesterday. 3 years, 3 months, 10 days of my non-existent, dehydrated, humdrum life. I had suitors after that and God knows how much I tried to like every single one of them. I practically pulled myself to go on dates. I tried to forget and move on with the rest of the world. But I just couldn't bring myself to fall in love.

******************************************************************************************

It was weird coz a few days after I wrote that, he emailed me. Out of nowhere. MIA for three years and he just emailed me catching up like nothing ever happened between us. Guys are really dickheads. Maybe not all of them but 99% of them.

Now, you might ask where did this emotional outburst come from. I learned that he just got married. When I found out, I wasn't hurt. I can't say that I'm happy for him but I wish him well. Maybe this is the closure that I've been waiting for. This time I can really say to myself that I'm over him and I'm done with this EXes baggage.

And in that case... Hello world!

I want to scream at the top of my lungs!

This is one moment in my life where I’m walking on sunshine, brimming with elation and smiling all to myself looking like a fool. Sorry, I have tendencies to overstress words and feelings but all I wanna say is that I AM HAPPY. This is indeed a good year for me. And I want to claim that! With the many good things happening around, I would say I am truly blessed and finally the tables have turned.

2010 ended up with good news from our management. We’re having a raise! Wow!!! Isn’t that amazing? The global financial crisis had crippled a larger sum of the import industry and we were no exception. Our annual increase had been suspended for two years and it had seriously left a dent on managing our finances. Every single thing from basic commodity to clothes to transport fares went up except for the pay. I’m glad we were able to get past the obstacles and managed to emerge as stable and as strong as we are.

Another reason why I seem to be on cloud nine most of the time is because someone is just making me happy. Wait, the next sentences are going to be mushy. So puke all you want until your eyeballs pop out of their sockets. No, seriously, I met someone. When I was dealing with heartbreak and trying to get myself back I met him. We instantly became friends despite the fact that we were two different worlds. I drink, he doesn’t. I love going out and traveling, he’s a home buddy. I talk fast, he’s soft spoken. I’m crazy, he’s well-behaved. If I’m going to put it bluntly – I’m the bad girl, he’s the good guy.

I’m starting to believe that opposites do attract. I never saw it coming and I never thought we would have the potential to get along. Our differences were making it exciting for us to discover one another. You can tell me I’m on rebound, but something deep inside tells me this could be something. We are not officially an item yet but we’ve been communicating and seeing each other since October. Everyday is a new day which brings us closer together. Though it’s quite evident that we both feel special, I still don’t want to rush into things. This time I wanna make it right and assure myself that I’m ready. All that’s important to me now is that I’m soaring through rainbows and I’m happy. And it can be hard to contain. :)

Serendipity, is it?

This story isn’t mine.

…………………………………

She has a boyfriend from across the miles. They have kept it together for four years. Her family approves of him. He was the perfect choice for her. And their wedding is set two years from now.

She sees love as practical. She doesn’t believe in butterflies, in shooting stars, in speeding rockets. She knows nothing of magic, of white knight who sweeps you off your feet. No. She’s not a believer.

Then she met someone while traveling home. They talked for hours. Shared their interests and passions in life with each other. Exchanged numbers and e-mail addresses. Soon they found themselves constantly communicating and seeing each other as often as they could. Until their friendship blossomed into something else. Something the two of them cannot deny. Something she couldn’t fight off. Something she knew she had missed all her life.

Now she’s faced with a dilemma. It could have been easier if her family’s expectation doesn’t get in the way. If their years together don’t compel her to disregard her feelings for the one she truly loved. 

But she has to make a decision. A decision that will break someone else’s heart. A decision that will change her forever.

…………………………………………

Funny how life loves to poke at my ego. This is one of those times when the common phrase “Life is unfair” becomes clearer to me. I just came from a “broken heart” and here’s my friend who’s having a difficult time choosing whom she should end up to. Hmmpp!

I was never into that kind of situation or anything closer to that. But if I am lucky (or maybe not) to face with that problem (would you consider that a problem? Seriously? If that’s the case, it’s the only problem that most women would like to have. Come on! Who doesn’t want multiple choice on their questionnaire?), I know what I’m gonna do.

First, I don’t let others dictate me on what to do or who should I be with. Coz if I do, I’m living their idea of what happiness is and not my own. I’m not saying that they don’t have a say in my personal affairs. They can meddle for as long as they want. They can voice their opinions and advices – I’d love that! I like hearing from them coz it shows how much they care for me. But in the end, I still call the shots. I will decide for myself and I will run my life the way I wanted it to be.

I always tell my friends to follow their heart. Cynics call it stupidity, but I call it bravery and being true to your self. There’s no guarantee you won’t cry in the end, but I guess it’s better to shed a tear on something you did happily. The number of years is just relative. I won’t bet my happiness and the relationship’s success on it.

Maybe I’m a fool for saying this. But what’s more foolish is when you deny yourself to something you’ve been waiting for. Whatever is real is worth fighting for. And you know it’s real when it’s hard to walk away from it.

Moving forward...

Four days… I got the chance to rest for four days and didn’t do anything comprehensible. Well, thanks to non-working holidays, (Ramadan and Osmeña Day, a local holiday in Cebu that is observed every 9^th of September) I got the chance to get my mind off work and consequently avoided the last place on earth I wanna be – the workplace!

Normally, when I’m faced with an opportunity of having a long-stretched weekend, I would have pulled myself for an out-of-town getaway. A mini-vacay to say the least. But now’s not the time. Or should I say, I can’t seem to find the enthusiasm, the excitement to do the things I used to do, to feast my eyes on sceneries. I just can’t find the zest within.

I did a lot of thinking, of reevaluating myself, weighing my options, sorting my thoughts and most of all, trying to convince myself that I’ll get by just fine. Putting away the things that bring melancholy gives me enough space to put my disarrayed mind in place. The unconditional love and support from my friends were enormous and overwhelming. I haven’t seen them that much concerned and moved. I didn’t expect them to show resilience when I’m at the most vulnerable time of my life. I used to be their protector, their listener, their adviser, but now I’m taking the other side of the coin. This is one those times that I can say I have hit rock bottom. Thought I’m gonna fall hard but I found myself on the softest pillow of comfort. And I realized it wasn’t that bad after all.

Slowly, I’m coming to terms with my old self. I’m doing it one step at a time. I don’t force myself to feel good like a newborn when I know for a fact it is still bleeding. I’m giving myself ample time for grief, for crying, for reminiscing, to be upset, to question the decisions I’ve done. But everything has its limits, has its own end. I have to know when to stop and when to move forward. Each day I take a small step forward, slowly but deliberately. I know I’m making quite a progress. It’s just a matter of time. Just a matter of time and an ounce of determination, I’ll be good as new.

Tomorrow isn’t just another day. It’s another battle of facing reality. As much as I want to stay home and act like a bum, I can’t ignore the fact that I still have a life outside these four corners of my room. I have a career. I’ve got to work. I can’t be puerile all my life. God knows how much I dreaded every single minute at the work place. If I could only escape, if I could only tune out my emotions into something else, I would have done that. But there’s no other way out but to face it and stop running away. It’s time to be brave. And tomorrow I am.

When the going gets tough...

...hope I'm tough enough to get going.

Here I am again. Another heartbreak, another heartache. It seems I have a magnet for pulling misery to my side. It always find its way to hook up with me no matter how I try to shield myself from its sting.

Another day to get through... Shackles on my feet, please just let me go. I want to go back to my old self - smiling, feisty, alive. I'm putting on a hard face, pretending to be fine. But it's hard to pull off a show like that. My eyes defy me, my laugh sounds empty, my actions speak otherwise.

I dread everything that reminds me of that someone. The workplace, every corner, every sights. It's like all those memories are plastered everywhere. Mocking me. Taunting me.

If this is goodbye, so be it. Thank you for everything we've shared and for everything that I've become because of it. This is a test, I know. I've had enough what else do I need to prove? To others, my life seemed bright and colorful. Yet I don't want the limelight, I don't want the fame, if pain is all I got in exchange.

I know I made a fool out of myself for writing this post. But somehow it lightens me up. I don't care if I sounded stupid coz this is me hurting. Trying to pick up the pieces and start all over again. Start where I left off. The road to moving on may be miles away. I'm on my feet and I'm getting there someday...

To : YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

For many months I lived in the shadow of amiss

Did some things I thought would bring me pure bliss

Things I know I would never be proud of

I’ve compromised my emotions and put it into shove.

Those flashy, red warning signs I see them everywhere

Tells me to run in opposite direction but I didn’t care

I didn’t listen to what my friends are telling

All I hear is my heart beating and this drugged-kind of feeling.

We’ve said our promise for love on that perfect moonlit night

With the cool winds hovering and stars beaming, everything seemed right

Nothing seem to matter but only the love we have for each other

It feels real, sincere, like we have our own world to conquer.

We were both aware of the complications we’re facing

We both know it’s an insurmountable mountain we’re climbing

But as long as you and I are in this together

There’s no storm we couldn’t weather.

Yes, it was a perfect promise we made

Thought I’d only see it in movies played

But soon enough realization struck me

I began to question my sanity.

I was so sure back then I wanted to be with you

Right or wrong, this forbidden affair we’re gonna pursue

Yet circumstances had its way of waking me up

In my deepest slumber, I realized this is all but crap!

All I ever wanted is to chase my happiness

But chasing it in the wrong path doesn’t give me inner peace

I couldn’t be happy knowing I’m hurting someone in the process

I couldn’t forgive myself for wrecking a vow to eternity, their seal of promise.

Maybe you really loved me like you said

Maybe you really cared like you did

Maybe what we both have is real

But for now, only time will tell.

No matter how true and genuine our feelings may be

No matter how strong, how far we’re willing to be

No matter if we’re holding hands at the end of this fight

Still we both know, we were more wrong than we were right.

And so I stopped, gathered myself and came to a decision

This crazy thing we had going on should come to a conclusion

Doing the right thing has always been easy for me

But letting go of someone like you has never been this messy.

I’m trying to be strong, I’m trying to be tough

It’s painful and it’s tearing my heart into half

Each day I’m praying for the pain to go away

I’m summoning my courage to move on anyway.

My days without you will never be the same

What used to be sunshine are now gray skies

Where I used to hear chirping birds are now filled with silence

When my eyes are used to see butterflies now filled with tears.

I’m letting you go and I’m walking away

I’m leaving those dreams that we’re meant to be

Maybe someday, some time, when the stars are right

We’ll see each other amid His guiding light.

For the first time I can't think of a title...

I'm back! Finally. After 5 days of MIA.

I didn't go anywhere. I wasn't even planning on a blog strike (if there is such a thing), nor a temporary hiatus from writing. I've been through a lot of things lately and I was going through baffling emotions. You know how it is being a girl, so.... And I don't wanna go through the details.

After days of sorting my thoughts I finally came up with something to write. Thanks to Gnetch by the way. This genius girl invented the bloggenator pill claiming to cure writer's block in all serious forms, and other silly excuses you can think of whenever you're too dumb to create a post. And this wonder pill do create miracles. You see, I haven't popped a single pill yet in my mouth but my fingers are gunning for the keyboard already! Well I tried calling the number but the voice on the other line said : "Hey idiot, what makes you think you can afford to buy the pill? Get your ass up and start writing NOW!"

That's how it worked for me. 

Hey Gnetch I think I should have a cut in this, aryt? I'm getting my marketing skills into action hahaha!

So Gnetch, accept this Nobel Prize medal from Alfred Nobel himself.

*this is just a sick joke...wahhahahahhahaahhhahahahhaha!

Anyway, I just want to share something personal with you guys (coz you're all so good to me and I treat you like my real-life friends). I usually don't talk about matters of the heart in my blog because I JUST DON'T WANT TO. Sometimes I feel like I'm not being true to my blog title. between me and my thoughts is suppose to be a personal blog reflecting every bit of emotions and thoughts by the author.

Last week, a fellow blogger wrote a very emotional post about "L". Hey, that's Love, not Lust. okay? I envied her profoundness, sincerity and honesty to show the delicate side of her. 

I wished I had that courage...

Last month I wrote a post about EXes baggage.

Definition of EXes Baggage :

It's a post breakup syndrome where one finds herself stuck in the middle of nowhere. It is the feeling when you knew you have to move on, or tried to move on with the rest of the world, but you simply can't because of the guilt, disappointment, grudge, sorrow you've been carrying along with you.

source : janjan's dictionary

I don't know why  I came up with that. Maybe because I felt more comfortable divulging it to someone who doesn't know me personally. Or because I think that most bloggers are less judgemental. Or maybe I just felt the urge to unburden myself with the ghost from the past. Or because I wanna share to everyone what my friends didn't know. The unedited side of the story.

But sadly, that post remained in my draft until now. I couldn't bring myself to publish it. Maybe someday when strength will find me.

**********

P.S. 

Speaking of the devil/loser/douchebag... did you know that he sent a friend request on Facebook just yesterday? I was flabbergasted when I saw it. Why such a big deal? - you might ask. Well, I'm not good at dealing with EXtra-terrestrial people. I'm not a good sport. I can't pretend like I'm fine and hey we can be best of friends after everything that happened. I mean what's the point? Why only now? Why? Why? After __years of no communication he will just pop up with a friend request and an e-mail asking how am I doing??? WTF?!

Up until now I don't know what am I gonna do about it. Ignore or accept? Geezzz...

What I learned from letting go and moving on

First of all, I can't believe I'm writing this stuff. I have sworn at the beginning of this blog that I will never, ever, at any cost, write about matters of the heart. And here I am spilling the beans to everyone who will read this post.

I had my own share of painful breakups. I had cried in the middle of the night, in between work, until I forced myself to smile because I've had enough of crying. I've been there - the most excruciating time of my life which I thought I would never survive. But I was able to get through.

Letting go and moving on are undeniably two of the most difficult things to do. Each one of us goes through this phase at some point in our lives. How we manage to emerge from this dark, deep pit depends on how we deal with it. I found out that the first step to letting go is allowing yourself to grieve. Mourning over a love lost isn't such a bad idea. When the one you love left you for reasons you cannot make sense of is already terrible, crying your heart out or crying a river (if you can) won't top it all.

Freestyle said : "Coz letting you go is never easy". Yes, but nobody said you do it on your own coz if you do, you'll end up drying your tear ducts. So don't overdo your dramatic moments coz it will border to self-pity. I learned to keep myself busy. I unwind with friends and did all things I wanted to do. Though I'm not the type who easily divulge my heartaches, my friends' company would make me feel I'm not alone. And when I feel it's time to talk, I talk about it.

I also learned that ACCEPTANCE is the most important factor. If you learn to accept there are certain things that cannot be, it will help you get your life back on track sooner and faster than you think. But then my other stupid ego would tell me I can still salvage the relationship if I don't give up. True, but not at all times. I learned you cannot teach a person to love you the way you wanted to be. Nor you can rekindle a fire after the embers have burnout. Love, like any other requires team effort. It doesn't matter how much you're willing to sacrifice or give to make it work, coz if the other refuses to do his end of the bargain, better walk away with a broken heart than with a wounded ego. Self-worth is the key here my friend. Learn to love yourself.

So what happens now that I've finally accepted the fact we're not meant to be together? Move on. Alright, I know this is easier said than done.

Since I was able to better those devastating heartaches, those sleepless tearful nights, I thought moving on was easy. But I was wrong. I learned moving on is a long road that most people are stuck to it. I, for one, is a living testament to that. I was stuck at the road to moving on because I wouldn't let myself go forward. I was the perfect semblance to Toto's song : "As soon as forever is through, I'll be over you". I let foolishness dominate my already numb broken heart.

I realized I don't need to rely on time to heal my wounds. I learned there are people who can help me out, who are willing to heal my soul, who can give me a brighter day. But I need to put on my trust. I shall learn to build my trust...again.

Then I heard Katy Perry singing and I stumbled through the lines : "How do I get better once I've had the best?" Oh the lyrics smack right to my chest. When we're happy and everything was perfect we thought we had the best. But when our perfect world crumbles, then it's time to heed the warning - it wasn't the best for us. I learned to create a mindset that when things doesn't turn out the way we expected it to be, it means something better than what we had will come our way.

I learned that all our experiences, be it sad or wonderful, will prepare and gear us for the right moment. I learned that the people who injected us pain or euphoria, are there to teach us life's invaluable lessons. And these people will always be part of our life, they will remain special no matter how hard we drive them away. More importantly, I learned there is no quick formula to letting go and moving on. It is a process that we all have to endure by and by. You may cry, get angry, go wild, let alone, pretend you're fine - it's all up to you. One thing is for sure when the pain dies down and our minds clearer, we have to choose. LET GO and MOVE ON? Or stay behind.