Over and done

I'm not really good at keeping promises. I said that I won't blog at the onset of Holy Week and yet here I am. There are just some things I want to unload. And since writing is therapeutic, I can't think of any other ways to relieve myself from the shock and surprise that got me pause for a while and mull.

Last year I wrote a blog post which remained in the draft. Never published. No one has ever read. But I mentioned about it in one of my post and even told my blog friends that I'm gonna post it when courage finds me. Well, I think the time has come to let it out and make the world know that it's definitely over and done.

Here it is :

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5/20/2010

EXes Baggage

I don't talk much about my love life. I just don't. I'm not comfortable discussing it with other people. Even to my closest friends. Whenever the subject of ex-boyfriends come to life, I would try my very best to avoid and adamantly refuse to talk about it. I'd become pissed off at the mere mention of their names.

I have what they call an "EXes baggage".

An "EXes baggage" is (by my definition) a chip on the shoulder, a nightmare in your sleep. It's something you want to leave behind but you just can't, and you unwillingly carry it with you as you go. Exes baggage isn't all about hatred, resentment or grudge. It's half filled with regret and disappointment. It's a mixed emotion of "should have", "would have", "could have". I should have done this... it would have been like that... we could have been... It's a remorseful feeling.

I didn't have a clean break-up with my exes. It always starts with a fight, exchange of harsh text messages, pointing fingers at one another, then ends up acting like total strangers.

The last one was an exception...

He went cold. We hardly see each other. He can't seem to find a way to spend time and talk with me. Even his texts have gone sour.

After a couple of weeks of no word from him, he finally called - at my office! Imagine my surprise. I never expected he'd call me at work coz he never did it once. So we talked on the phone. I thought he's gonna be sorry for his absence. I thought he'll make amends. But I was wrong.

HE BROKE UP WITH ME. Man, I never thought I would ever have the courage to say this but yes, he called it quits.

To be jilted was never easy... especially for a girl. It was like my self-worth was crushed and stomped a million times. He didn't realize how painful it was for me. It was hundred times more painful than being cheated. And it was so unfair! Because he didn't give us a chance to work on our differences or whatever problems we had. He didn't think about me. Of what I'm gonna feel or how will I take it. He simply did not care... at all!

It seemed to me that he planned it all along. So cunningly of him to break up with me over the phone, at the office, so I would never have a chance to say or do anything stupid. So scheming. That's how it seems to me. Would I cry telling him to compromise, beg him to stay, ask him to give our relationship another try while my co-workers are eavesdropping? Or would I rather keep silent? I'm the type of person who doesn't want to draw attention. Exposing my wrecked love life to anyone around is certainly not one of my greatest idea. So when he said that famous break-up line "It's not you, it's me", I just took my defeat.

After our conversation I rushed to the ladies room and relieved myself from the sorrow waiting to outburst, of the looming tears and occasional sobs that wouldn't wane. I was deeply hurt. And the hardest part? I have to go back to work and pretend and act like everything is alright. That it was like any normal, ordinary, usual day. And when my friends asked about him, it would take all of my strength and self-control not to bawl while telling them what happened.

It's been 3 years, 3 months, 10 days since then. Yet it would still haunt me like it was yesterday. 3 years, 3 months, 10 days of my non-existent, dehydrated, humdrum life. I had suitors after that and God knows how much I tried to like every single one of them. I practically pulled myself to go on dates. I tried to forget and move on with the rest of the world. But I just couldn't bring myself to fall in love.

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It was weird coz a few days after I wrote that, he emailed me. Out of nowhere. MIA for three years and he just emailed me catching up like nothing ever happened between us. Guys are really dickheads. Maybe not all of them but 99% of them.

Now, you might ask where did this emotional outburst come from. I learned that he just got married. When I found out, I wasn't hurt. I can't say that I'm happy for him but I wish him well. Maybe this is the closure that I've been waiting for. This time I can really say to myself that I'm over him and I'm done with this EXes baggage.

And in that case... Hello world!