Moving forward...

Four days… I got the chance to rest for four days and didn’t do anything comprehensible. Well, thanks to non-working holidays, (Ramadan and Osmeña Day, a local holiday in Cebu that is observed every 9^th of September) I got the chance to get my mind off work and consequently avoided the last place on earth I wanna be – the workplace!

Normally, when I’m faced with an opportunity of having a long-stretched weekend, I would have pulled myself for an out-of-town getaway. A mini-vacay to say the least. But now’s not the time. Or should I say, I can’t seem to find the enthusiasm, the excitement to do the things I used to do, to feast my eyes on sceneries. I just can’t find the zest within.

I did a lot of thinking, of reevaluating myself, weighing my options, sorting my thoughts and most of all, trying to convince myself that I’ll get by just fine. Putting away the things that bring melancholy gives me enough space to put my disarrayed mind in place. The unconditional love and support from my friends were enormous and overwhelming. I haven’t seen them that much concerned and moved. I didn’t expect them to show resilience when I’m at the most vulnerable time of my life. I used to be their protector, their listener, their adviser, but now I’m taking the other side of the coin. This is one those times that I can say I have hit rock bottom. Thought I’m gonna fall hard but I found myself on the softest pillow of comfort. And I realized it wasn’t that bad after all.

Slowly, I’m coming to terms with my old self. I’m doing it one step at a time. I don’t force myself to feel good like a newborn when I know for a fact it is still bleeding. I’m giving myself ample time for grief, for crying, for reminiscing, to be upset, to question the decisions I’ve done. But everything has its limits, has its own end. I have to know when to stop and when to move forward. Each day I take a small step forward, slowly but deliberately. I know I’m making quite a progress. It’s just a matter of time. Just a matter of time and an ounce of determination, I’ll be good as new.

Tomorrow isn’t just another day. It’s another battle of facing reality. As much as I want to stay home and act like a bum, I can’t ignore the fact that I still have a life outside these four corners of my room. I have a career. I’ve got to work. I can’t be puerile all my life. God knows how much I dreaded every single minute at the work place. If I could only escape, if I could only tune out my emotions into something else, I would have done that. But there’s no other way out but to face it and stop running away. It’s time to be brave. And tomorrow I am.